Liang Hong: How are Depressed Teenagers "Besieged" by Adults?

Minmin, who was still in the first grade of junior high school, completely collapsed.

Her mother grabbed her hair and slammed her against the wall. After that, she slapped her. Her face hit the wall, and her head, face, and scalp all ached. She was originally on the phone with her father. But at this moment, her father suddenly said, "You two deal with your own business first. I'll hang up." Due to the poor relationship between her parents, her mother vented her dissatisfaction with her father on Minmin. At the age of 12, Minmin was tired of studying and everything. She started a three - year suspension from school.

This is the story of Minmin, a girl in the new book Let There Be Light by the writer Liang Hong. Minmin is not an isolated case. She is one of the teenagers with emotional problems in Liang Hong's works. Five years after completing the "Liangzhuang Trilogy", Liang Hong shifted her focus to those trapped teenagers.

Liang Hong is not only a writer but also a mother. She experiences the confusion and pain of being a mother. She doesn't know where she missed her child, so that the pain of adults and the pain of children pass by each other without being able to perceive each other. She also found that in this era, it is very difficult for many parents to get along with their children, and the psychological dilemmas of teenagers have become a major social issue.

According to the survey in the 2022 National Blue Book on Depression, 30% of the total number of depression patients are under 18 years old, 50% of depression patients are school - going students, and 77% and 69% of student patients are prone to depression in interpersonal and family relationships. The incidence of depression is showing a younger trend, and society urgently needs to pay attention to the mental health of teenagers.

Just like this, with her own pain and confusion, she started her investigation. From first - tier cities to county towns and villages, she visited many trapped teenagers, parents, teachers, doctors, psychological counselors, etc., trying to present the psychological picture of contemporary Chinese teenagers.

When writing, she often sat there holding a pen, unable to write a single word for a whole day. It was extremely painful. "You are dealing with a very complex collective psychological situation of teenagers in modern times, their relationship with themselves, with their families, with society, including the relationship with different classes and different lifestyles in such a large country as ours."

Photo of the writer Liang Hong provided by the interviewee

But finally, with the keen insight and delicate writing style of a writer and a mother, she completed this book. A large part of the book consists of the oral accounts of the interviewees, without too much analysis and judgment from the author. Liang Hong said that she didn't want to "solve" anything or "accuse" anything. She just wanted to find out one after another "nodes" that are easily overlooked. Maybe this is the critical moment for the problem to undergo a qualitative change.

The "Post - wave Research Institute" had a chat with Liang Hong. The following is the content compiled based on Liang Hong's oral account and Let There Be Light.

You can't bear her restrained narration

The starting point of this book is based on my own difficulties, confusion, and pain in raising my child.

When your child is in pain, you don't know how to approach him. All my knowledge, past reserves, and past experiences are ineffective. I even increasingly feel that my existence, my way of loving, and my way of education may become obstacles to him.

In such a huge contradiction and confusion, I began to learn some psychology and how to get along with my child. Later, I found that it wasn't just me who had difficulty getting along with my child. In this era, many parents have great difficulty getting along with their children. After reading the National Blue Book on Depression for several consecutive years, I realized that the mental problems of teenagers had become so important. That's when I thought of touching on this topic and writing such a book.

To write this book, I once went to the waiting hall of a specialized hospital, and the scene I saw made me even more heart - broken. Because many of the patients were underage children. Almost more than half of them were wearing school uniforms, probably just coming from school and going back to school after seeing the doctor. You can see that the parents were also very confused, even anxious, numb, and helpless. The children followed behind with different expressions. Some children seemed to have not gone out for a long time, and there were even some carrying suitcases from far away.

These are the original starting points of my writing. I want to know what's going on? Our life is getting better and better now. Children don't lack food or clothing, and parents all want their children to be better. But why do children get sick instead? Where did we miss our children, so that our pain and their pain pass by each other without being able to perceive each other? I also integrated my own experience, pain, and questions as a mother into my extensive investigation process and started my investigation.

At that time, I posted a message online saying, "Who would like to tell me your story?" Yaya was the first one to respond to me. Just like this, I carried my bag and went to her place. After that, Yaya took me to meet many people and introduced me to Uncle. I also got to know the children in Uncle's cram school (originally for cultural courses, and later added psychological counseling, so it gathered some children with emotional problems).

When I met Yaya, she had already started studying again. She was slowly going through a difficult process. Before getting sick, she always had good grades. Wherever she went, parents would sigh with admiration. She set high standards for herself in her studies and didn't allow herself to do poorly in exams or be unnoticed in the crowd. After graduating from junior high school, she was admitted to the best high school in the local area. She got the first place in the class in a monthly exam in the first year of high school, but after that, she never took an exam again. She was very nervous and afraid of the next exam. Just thinking about it made her hands tremble. She was afraid that she wouldn't get the first place next time. She hid at home and didn't want to see anyone. At that time, she was sixteen years old and was diagnosed with moderate depression and moderate anxiety in the hospital.

Yaya is a very thoughtful child. She thinks about her own life, how to grow up, and what the world is like. She showed me her diary, in which she wrote: "You have the courage to start over and the freedom to be undefined. You can be anyone, but no one can be you. Don't blow out the light. Happy growing up." I was very shocked when I read Yaya's diary. I thought it didn't seem like something a child would write, but it really was.

Still from Your Children Are Not Your Children

During the writing process, on the one hand, I felt very heavy, and on the other hand, I felt very inspired because of the children's narratives. This includes Minmin from Uncle's cram school. She is only sixteen years old.

I stayed in Uncle's cram school from morning till night every day. Minmin was studying, and I was looking at my computer. One day when she suddenly wanted to chat, we started chatting. It wasn't just for one or two days, but for many, many days. Minmin told me how she was beaten by her parents, how her father listened to her being beaten by her mother on the phone without any reaction, how she escaped from a top - notch school, and how she was admitted to the ICU because of self - harm... She said she just wanted her parents to apologize to her for beating her, but they just wouldn't. She thought this was an insurmountable hurdle for her. She took a three - year suspension from school at home. But even so, she still said that her parents were also immature people, and she forgave them.

A teacher in Uncle's cram school said when talking about parents beating children, In this social structure, children are the most convenient, the most vulnerable, and the safest. They won't resist. Once parents start beating their children, it's hard for them to stop. They get more and more addicted to it. In the process of beating their children, their authority is guaranteed, and their emotions are vented.

Minmin's narration was very restrained. She didn't want to cry, but she had a habitual action. When she was talking, especially when she was talking about something painful, she would nod her head. Her hair could slightly cover her face to hide her emotions.

When such a very delicate girl narrated with a restrained voice and a restrained expression, you just couldn't bear it. You would cry, and you would feel very sorry for her. Because the child described everything in such detail, it showed that it left a very deep mark in her heart. She could hardly forget it.

She was also constantly trying to adjust herself, to integrate with her parents and the world. She wanted to study again, to take the high - school entrance exam again, and to re - enter the crowd. She said, "Since I can bear failure, I can also bear success." She regarded "success" as something to "bear". She thought that "as long as I get into high school, even if I do poorly, I'm taking steps to come out again."

The refuge space for teenagers

Through Yaya's introduction, I got to know Uncle. Uncle's cram school was very famous in the local area. It took in students with poor grades and promised to help them get into high school and college. Over the past decade, it has trained hundreds of college students, and most of them achieved their goals. He is also a psychological counselor, providing psychological counseling for the students in his cram school. After the national "double - reduction" policy, the scale of Uncle's cram school became smaller, and most of the students who came later had emotional problems.

Still from The Happy Parents' Group

Before I met Uncle, he heard from Yaya that I might come to interview him, so he bought my China in Liangzhuang to read. I was very surprised at that time and asked him how he knew to buy my book. He said that usually, he would ask the children what books they were reading recently and then he would read those books. He wanted to know what the children were thinking. He has a distinct personality and his words are quite eye - catching. Many people think he is not very formal, a bit like an unlicensed doctor. But he has his own set of theories and methods to deal with children and parents.

I mentioned in the book that Uncle often says, "Instead of wasting time on parents, it's better to focus on children." He is as patient with children as he is impatient with parents; he trusts children as much as he distrusts parents. He doesn't believe that parents can change themselves. However, he also holds free parent - teacher meetings every week to understand the parents' thoughts. And those children, because of Uncle's enthusiasm, selflessness, and effective psychological counseling, have become good friends with Uncle.

These children who are on suspension from school or suffering from emotional problems regard Uncle's place as a new shelter. They pour out their hearts to Uncle here and look for a refuge space. The children can come and go freely, and no one will judge them casually. Uncle is like an old hen, leading a group of chicks whose bodies and minds have been severely damaged. He protects these children in a unique way, helps them build confidence, and enables them to start studying again and gradually integrate into society.

I also attended many of Uncle's regular parent - teacher meetings on Tuesdays and Saturdays. Every parent who comes to the meeting, regardless of their status outside, is addressed as "Dad of XX" or "Mom of XX". Each parent talks about the child's situation, their own inner thoughts, and the problems they need to solve.

During the parent - teacher meeting, you can see a space for dialogue and an invisible atmosphere. This atmosphere is what I particularly want to write about. All of us live in this atmosphere, which is why the incidence of illness among our children is so high. The space created by Uncle is inspiring. In this space, parents and children can have a dialogue, and parents and psychological counselors can also have a dialogue. They can all express their pain.

It's very difficult to uncover the truth. Because in our lives, we definitely don't want to tell our relatives and friends that "my child is sick". "Why isn't your child at school?" is considered a shame. Parents are very embarrassed to tell others, but this is the problem. We keep it in our hearts, and we become anxious, confused, and painful. We even make ourselves sick.

This is also what most fathers are reluctant to admit. They don't admit that their child is sick because they regard it as a failure in life. The father's avoidance exacerbates the mother's sense of helplessness. I also wrote in the book that an absent father takes for granted the clean house, the rich meals, and the undisturbed time. While the mother is in so much pain that she can hardly survive, the father remains unaware.

Failed middle - class parents

I also wrote about three families in Haidian in the book, two tiger moms and one mom who advocates happy education. These three families happen to know each other, and their children all have more or less encountered emotional problems. I joined them to find out what kind of education the parents were providing, which made both tiger - parenting education and happy education fail. The best - performing child didn't get into Tsinghua or Peking University in the end, so it can also be regarded as a failure. It's a story of three losers.

Still from Your Children Are Not Your Children

One of the Haidian moms, Wenli, has always advocated happy education for her son, Li Feng. But because Li Feng is not very good at studying, he was systematically isolated and finally took a complete suspension from school. From the external social system to the internal personal judgment, he was abandoned. His inner vitality was completely destroyed in this process, and he couldn't find any external motivation or support.

When chatting with Li Feng, no matter what others asked him, he always said, "It's just like that." He completely closed himself off. When I was listening, I felt that this child was very lonely. He completely lost the desire to communicate with the world.

When Wenli talked about Li Feng, she said, "I just look down on him. It's his responsibility that he doesn't study well. This is my value. I just don't like the weak, even if it's