Young people driven crazy by being pressured into marriage are starting to look for "marriage partners of convenience".
At the age of 34, Xiaomai ended the long - standing dispute over being urged to marry with her parents by finding a "marriage partner".
Since her twenties, she has been frequently urged to marry by her parents. Her parents would share links about "dying alone without getting married" with her every other day, and introduce two or three potential partners to her for blind dates each month.
However, in her opinion, her parents don't really care about her thoughts. They just hope she lives according to their ideas. The blind - date partners introduced by her parents are almost "people who would never appear in her world".
As she got older, the pressure became more intense. She had many quarrels with her parents, and sometimes she even got beaten.
Actually, she doesn't reject marriage.
She has also envisioned an ideal marriage and partner. When she was seriously in two relationships where marriage could be considered, she found that "when the other person wanted to get married, she didn't; when she wanted to get married, the other person didn't". The mismatch in life rhythms made it difficult for her to enter an ideal marriage.
She was caught in a dilemma between traditional family values and personal space. On the one hand, she wanted to live according to her own will; on the other hand, she constantly received pressure from her parents and the environment to get married.
After long - term consideration, she decided to "lower the standard in blind dates" and find a "marriage partner" for herself to give her parents a satisfactory answer. So, she posted a note on Xiaohongshu looking for a "marriage partner". She clearly emphasized her "anti - marriage stance", but due to family pressure, she decided to find an opposite - sex partner to complete the "marriage" procedure. Both parties don't need to invest emotionally, and they will live independently after marriage.
Since she has bought a house and settled in Beijing, Xiaomai only has one or two opportunities to return to her hometown in Northeast China each year. In front of her parents, she will act as a well - behaved daughter. For this, she has to consider many aspects, such as meeting the parents, the wedding, post - marriage life, and being urged to have children... However, when her parents can't see, she can live a "life independent of her parents" as she pleases.
Xiaomai is not the only young person looking for a "marriage partner". Many young people are starting to explore another possibility different from traditional intimate relationships. "Getting married and having children" is gradually transitioning from a "must - do in life" to an "elective in life". The "2024 Survey Report on Marriage and Child - Bearing Views" by the Institute of Psychology, Chinese Academy of Sciences shows that 34% of the post - 95s no longer regard marriage as "a matter of course", and 51.8% of college students think marriage is unimportant, among which 69.5% are female. They would rather pursue "high - quality singlehood" than "low - quality marriage".
Xiaomai is the same. Moreover, she doesn't think finding a partner is a deception to her parents. "Just like many parents may have divorced long ago, but they don't tell their children until after the college entrance examination. You can say what they do is their version of 'love'. Anyway, they choose to hide their true selves. Actually, it's no different from what I'm doing now. Parents were willing to make us happy when we were young. Now that they are old and we have grown up, I'm also willing to make them happy."
Recently, the Houlang Research Institute had a chat with Xiaomai about how she found a reliable "marriage partner", how she reshaped her view of marriage, and how to achieve self - harmony in the new intimate relationship. The following is Xiaomai's oral account, published after being sorted out:
I'm on the verge of breaking down from being urged to marry
Xiaomai's parents have always been very controlling. The family pressure has encroached on her personal freedom and affected her freedom to choose a partner.
They would send her messages about dying alone without getting married and having no one to visit you in the nursing home when you're old every now and then. They would introduce two or three people for her to meet each month. What troubled her was that they didn't understand her at all and had no idea what she wanted. They just forced various people on her like mating sows. However, her mate - selection criteria are very different from theirs.
They think it's good to find someone with a nine - to - five job in the public sector. They don't consider whether you like rock music while he likes electronic music, whether you like staying up late while he likes getting up early, or whether you don't eat spicy food while he likes it. They don't consider people's basic preferences, living habits, and values at all. The people they introduced to her are basically those who would never appear in her world.
They would quarrel fiercely because of these things, and she even got beaten. It's always been like this since she was a child. Her parents don't care about her thoughts. If she doesn't do as they say, it's considered disobedience, and they would beat her.
Still from "Tokyo Fiancee"
Before I came to Beijing, my life wasn't really mine. My mother is a teacher, and the professional habit of a teacher is that all students must listen to her. My father is a soldier, and the professional habit of a soldier is to absolutely obey the leader's orders. What I ate, wore, used, watched, studied, who I made friends with, which teacher I chose, and what kind of cram school I attended, all these decisions were made by my parents.
The major I studied in college was also chosen by my mother. She wanted me to study English and become an English teacher. I liked reading books and listening to rock music when I was a child, but they didn't understand or support me at all. Instead, they burned, smashed, and tore up my CDs, tapes, and other beloved things. Now, to say that I can reach an agreement with my parents? It's impossible in this lifetime. If you ask if I was in pain, there was definitely pain, but I wasn't depressed because I knew that one day I would be able to leave this home.
My parents are a generation that grew up under collectivism. They may not even know why they got married and had children. They just followed the trend and got married and had children when it was time. Their work and growth environment made them think that you should be the same as others. The idea of "being different from others" is unacceptable to them. Although the relationship between my parents can only be described as barely maintaining, they surprisingly agree on the issue of my not getting married.
I used to be annoyed by their behavior, but now that I've grown up, I can understand my parents' starting point. Their life concepts and the cognition formed in their growth environment are different from mine. They are just doing what they think is good for me within their cognitive system. This is their way of showing love to me.
However, the education we've received and the information we've accessed online are completely different from theirs. I can't persuade them or change them with my own cognition, and I don't think either side is absolutely right or wrong.
I don't want to change my parents or the elderly anymore. "It's time to get married in your thirties. Not getting married is unfilial." I don't want to confront and clash with this traditional concept anymore. The best solution I can think of at present is to run two systems separately without interfering with or influencing each other. I'll find someone according to your standards to give you an answer. As for who I date in my life, that's my personal business.
Moreover, for people like us who are away from home, the time we spend with our families in a year is actually very limited. Maybe we go home once or twice a year. As long as I live according to my family's wishes in front of them, it's okay.
You can understand it as me splitting into two "selves". One is the "self" living according to their ideas, and the other is the "self" living according to my own will.
"Marriage partner": An ally with a sense of loyalty
Finding a marriage partner was a decision I made after careful consideration.
In my understanding, marriage is actually about finding a partner. We should rationally consider whether the other person is suitable for marriage, rather than basing it on feelings alone. You can define it as a position and screen out suitable candidates according to the job responsibilities of this position. Just like when we are doing business, we require partners to have a common vision, similar values, and complementary work abilities. I think these three requirements are also applicable to marriage.
My requirements for a "partner" are to be in good health without bad habits, emotionally stable, and responsible. They should fulfill their duties in the consensus reached by both parties. A prenuptial agreement can be signed. After marriage, we will live independently and be financially independent. We won't disturb each other's normal life on a daily basis, and cooperate to complete the conventional tasks during festivals and family gatherings when necessary.
Still from "The Matchmaker"
After I posted the note looking for a "marriage partner", many people messaged me. I'm quite lucky that when I used this set of logic to screen, I really met a very suitable person who meets at least the above three requirements. I think it's inaccurate to call him my "boyfriend"; he should be called my "partner".
Coincidentally, we had a great conversation on our first meeting. We were both satisfied with each other, even exceeding each other's expectations. When he added me on WeChat, I wasn't in Beijing, but he was very proactive in greeting me and introducing some of his own situations.
From the early online communication, my partner made a very good impression. After I returned to Beijing from a business trip, we met offline. I found that he is a very considerate and attentive person. He would ask me what I like to eat, take a photo of the menu and send it to me after arriving early, calculate the time I would arrive, and have the dishes ready when I got there.
After we met, he introduced his work experience, past relationships, as well as his expectations and requirements for a "marriage partner". Due to his unstable job that required him to move around, he hadn't had a stable relationship. Now that he has reached this age, he also hopes to find a suitable person as soon as possible according to his family's requirements.
We reached a high degree of agreement in some aspects. First of all, we definitely didn't look for a marriage partner based on feelings. We just faced the same situation. We both wanted to preserve our free personal space and didn't want to accept the traditional form of marriage. At the same time, we are both filial people and don't want to go against traditional family values. Due to such pressure, we need to give our families an answer.
We've known each other for two or three months and met seven or eight times. All our communications have been very smooth. We are both people with a strong sense of contract and know where the boundaries of getting along are. I think whether it's a friend or a partner, if two out of the four aspects of eating together, chatting together, playing together, and sleeping together can be satisfied, the harmony level is already very high. However, currently, my "partner" can reach a consensus with me in terms of food preferences, interests, aesthetics, and the things we will face in the future. It's really rare. So, it also takes some fate for us to meet each other's many rigid requirements so quickly.
I think even if there was no "partner" thing, we could still be friends. We can't say that there is no emotion between us, but it's not based on love. It's a kind of mutual - helping friendship. We can even be regarded as allies with a sense of loyalty.
Still from "The Matchmaker"
I don't think finding a "marriage partner" is a deception. Just like many parents may have divorced long ago, but they don't tell their children until after the college entrance examination. Out of consideration for their children, parents compromise themselves and sacrifice themselves. You can say what they do is their obligation to the family or the "love" they think it is. Anyway, they choose to hide their true selves. Actually, it's no different from what I'm doing now. Parents were willing to make us happy when we were young. Now that they are old and we have grown up, I'm also willing to make them happy. Now, in order to take care of their emotions, I'm living according to their so - called "expected way of living".
I don't think this is a fake marriage either. In essence, I'm indeed maintaining a form of marriage with this person. It's just that my emotional sustenance may not be on the other person. In the traditional concept of marriage, people are used to putting all their expectations for their partner on one person. However, I would rather say that if I want to climb a mountain one day, I'll find a partner who likes climbing; if I want to play ball the next day, I'll find a partner who likes playing ball; if I want to drink the day after, I'll find a drinking partner. The marriage partner I've found now is just the most suitable person for me to "get married" with.
Whatever you choose, be responsible for your choice
I believe that there are many people in the world who marry for love, enter into marriage with the person they love, and then have a baby and live a harmonious married life.
I used to think that I would get married and start a family when I met the person I liked. However, as I accumulated more relationship experiences, I gradually found that love and marriage are not the same thing. I had two serious relationships before and even reached the stage of discussing marriage. But sometimes when the other person wanted to get married, I didn't; when I wanted to get married, the other person didn't.
The reason why I didn't want to get married before was that I hadn't achieved my expected goals in my career. I've always thought that the sense of security and achievement brought by work can't be given by a relationship. I'm not someone who doesn't value relationships. I just don't want to disrupt my career plan or give up my career ideal. So, I chose to pursue my career first.
I also met a person who met all my requirements and fulfilled all my expectations for the opposite sex, and I really admired and loved him. But he didn't want to get married. I'm not a stubborn person. It just took some time for me to accept it. I was sad when we separated, but I don't regret it. I think it's just fate, a fateful miss.
I found that besides loving each other, people's views on marriage may not be the same. So, breaking up doesn't necessarily mean falling out of love. It may also be because of the inconsistency in life plans and life rhythms.
