After a man taught himself feminism, he became more and more withdrawn.

The starting point is 2022. A male friend, Xiaoma, who had just joined an Internet company for a month, told me such an experience: Most of the people in his team are middle-aged men in their thirties and forties. After work on Fridays, his colleagues would ask each other if they wanted to go to prostitutes. 

Naturally, Xiaoma, who had just joined the company, couldn't avoid being invited. If he refused, he would be considered not sociable. He refused, "I have a girlfriend and I can't go." His colleagues all laughed, "Aren't you and her in a long-distance relationship? It won't be found out." 

This was the first time he felt extremely uncomfortable. Just because it won't be found out, does it mean it's right? Moreover, this is illegal.

Later, he heard such a rationalization: They think that going to prostitutes is the same as singing in a KTV or getting a massage in a foot bath shop - paying money to get a service, which is very fair. I didn't force them, and she is also willing. 

He felt that he was about to be brainwashed, so with his confusion, he asked at our friends' gathering: "I don't know how to refute them. Because prostitutes are indeed voluntary, then why is going to prostitutes wrong?" 

Whether male or female friends present, they were all confused by him as they talked. If this is a personal choice and adults need to be responsible for their own actions, why should you question them? 

But this is not just a personal choice. I minored in sociology in college. I know that from a sociological perspective, Personal choices are also answers shaped by society. The situation of women is a structured dilemma. When a woman chooses to sell her body, it may be a helpless move - in a patriarchal society, women have fewer job opportunities, and women's bodies, as the subject of being gazed at, are shaped into a tradable commodity, which is a denial of women's rights as human beings. 

But it's too complicated to explain this to Xiaoma. In the end, he ended the topic with a half-understanding, and it seemed that his confusion had not been completely eliminated. 

Then it was 2024. Xiaoma had resigned from the big company and was in the GAP stage. I could clearly feel Xiaoma's changes. He began to pay more attention to public topics, especially those gender issues. 

The next question was about the "Hip-hop Circle vs.乙游" incident this year (Rappers wrote songs to diss 乙游 for engaging in soft porn and harming minors). He saw a blogger saying, "Why do these men scold paper people? Why don't they scold those pot-bellied men? Because paper people have good figures, the underlying reason is men's reproductive anxiety." 

He was puzzled about how to define pornography. Vaguely feeling, "The standards for what men and women can show are different. Everyone tacitly allows female stars to wear very revealing clothes on stage without being defined as pornography, but why when men wear revealing clothes, they will be considered pornography?" 

Xiaoma always manages to stump us. Recently, he raised a new question in the small group of friends. 

Xiaoma noticed the differential treatment of women in the designs in life. It can be seen that his in-depth thinking on gender issues is indeed based on a lot of reading. 

Later, I learned that after realizing the toxic gender environment in the workplace, he took these discomforts and self-studied feminist theories, read works by Ueno Chizuko, and even tried to read the difficult theoretical book "The Second Sex" by Beauvoir. During the learning process, from the initial discomfort to the gradual understanding, he had deeper confusion. 

He felt that feminism made him more and more peaceful. For example, for the jokes of talk show actor Yang Li, many straight male friends around him really felt offended, but he found it funny, "I think Yang Li is not wrong. I am a confident ordinary man."

Interestingly, when a boy realizes gender differences and begins to really think about what gender equality is, his entry perspective is always very unique. In the same feminist work, as a man, Xiaoma saw something different, and even the more he learned, the more he felt a bit "introverted". 

The following is Xiaoma's self-narrative. 

"What exactly makes me uncomfortable"

In the first year of work, I wondered why the male colleagues around me had such a strong "odor". 

Often, the jokes they make make me uncomfortable. In fact, they didn't say anything extreme, but the values implied behind them make me uncomfortable. Especially when they naturally tell some dirty jokes and everyone thinks it's normal, I am even more at a loss. 

What impressed me particularly was that when a new colleague joined the team for a while, he integrated smoothly and the boss appreciated him more. At that time, my girlfriend and I were in a long-distance relationship. She was in Shanghai and I was in Beijing. One day, I just came back from seeing my girlfriend in Shanghai, and he suddenly joked and asked me: "Did you go to relieve your sexual desire?"

At that moment, I was stunned and didn't know how to answer. I could only keep silent and I hoped he would stop this topic here. 

But in front of them, I don't dare to say that these things make me uncomfortable. Most of the people in my team are middle-aged men in their thirties and forties. They are very much like my previous generation. Just like if I talk to my parents, I also can't get the positive feedback I want. They will only say "Don't care about this matter" or they think, What's the big deal? 

These middle-aged and elderly people have been in a gender-unequal environment for a long time. They are used to it and don't care about it. My mother is a bit stronger in my family. I asked her if she felt that she would suffer gender discrimination at work. She told me that some people would tell dirty jokes when socializing, and she seemed to have fought back. If my mother hadn't communicated with me, I might not know how women think about these things. 

At first, I thought that my peers would have similar thoughts to mine. There are also 3 fresh graduates in our team, 2 men and 1 woman. Those two men are very nice and caring, and we often eat together. But sometimes, they also have some "care" in the way of "She is a girl, don't mind", and at that moment, I feel that they may not respect women as much as I thought. 

Afterwards, I would also ask that girl. I think this thing is very strange, and then she would also tell me that she felt uncomfortable at that time. But she didn't stand up and say that you are wrong. Of course, I didn't either - maybe because I can't put myself in the position to empathize with the situation of women, and another part of the reason is that I am more tolerant. 

So I keep thinking, what exactly makes me uncomfortable. At first, what I was dissatisfied with was that everyone was some "struggling X". Over time, I gradually found out - They have no "human touch". They have no emotions, like machines constantly in meetings, completing work, never stopping, never resting.

For example, I have a colleague who works overtime every night. While working, he keeps video chatting with his wife, chatting casually. This thing is very interesting. I found that sometimes he has nothing to talk about. Maybe it's just whether the daughter is well-behaved today, and they both scold their work... But they don't have in-depth ideological exchanges. He also doesn't have any emotional fluctuations, and (chatting) is like a robot completing a task. 

I was thinking, if they don't even have humanity, how can you expect them to consider the feelings of women?

I feel that I am not one of them, even if I try to pretend to be like them. When I'm with them, I have to put on a mask, and I have no emotions, and I have to tell those unnutritious jokes. 

There are also many straight male friends like this around me. I found that after graduating and entering the workplace, they would be transformed quite terrifyingly. They unconsciously become a person who wants to exploit women very much, of course, mainly in the aspect of sex. I think they are very eager for women. 

I know an "hyper-masculine man" with unstable emotions. Every few months, he would have an attack and suddenly scold someone (a mutual friend) as an idiot to me. But he doesn't tell me what happened. He only says that this person is short and fat, has no charm, no girls will like him, and no women will want to have sex with him. I am very confused. Why do these things have to be related to sex? And the person he scolded seems to have done nothing. 

But in his perspective, he thinks that all men want to steal his women, and all women want to sleep with him. In his perspective, there are actually no real women, right? The so-called "women" are just a tool or an object for him. 

Of course, this person is a rare extreme case. But gradually I began to think that many people around me think "I respect women", but maybe they don't. At first, the respect we thought was just that the family environment and basic education told us that men and women should be equal, but we haven't really thought about what equality means.

At that time, I heard a word called "female protectionism" in a Chinese rap. I have been very puzzled by this word. I haven't found this word in the academic field. That song mentioned both "feminism" and "female protectionism". The general meaning is that some feminists do not support such an "ism". They think that women do not need others to protect them. 

This makes me think, is the "respect for women and protection of women" that I thought I had in the past just a condescending protection created under the system? 

There are more and more similar confusions. At that time, I was very tired at work every day and had no energy to go out and socialize with others. So in my spare time, I stayed at home alone to read and think, and gradually came into contact with feminist books. 

"Feminism from Scratch"

The first feminist book I read was "Feminism from Scratch" by Ueno Chizuko. When I read the first few dozen pages, I was not very comfortable. At that time, my feeling was, what does this have to do with gender? She mentioned many family problems, including the influence of Ueno Chizuko's mother on her. Her relationship with her mother is not good, which makes her seem to be accusing her mother in a somewhat superior tone. 

But I understood later. When reading that book, I wrote down many questions, and there are some things that I think are very reasonable - 

1. "Once you get married, your life will be over". Is that really the case? I don't think so, but I don't know from which perspective she views this problem. 

2. "Under patriarchy, many parents have this concept: Only if you meet the standards I set, will I recognize you as my child." That's right. When I saw this sentence, I laughed. 

3. "Husbands who avoid their wives. Some middle-aged men would rather drive around by themselves after work than go home." Indeed, I rarely see a man talk about his work and unhappiness at home. These are his vulnerable moments. Seeing this, I understand what is the structural problem brought about by patriarchy. Men receive a lot of social violence from the outside. At this time, because they have nowhere to vent, they may transfer it to their wives and children after returning home. 

4. "The development of the media has contributed to the sexual exploitation of men." It makes a lot of sense. Although some advertisements and film and television works are good works, they do not take into account the feelings of women, resulting in women becoming a vacuum in film and television works. 

5. "Many men can't get an erection when they encounter an active woman." This is quite interesting.联想到 the white man in the American TV series "Sex Education". At first, he is a very manly and popular person. In the end, he had to gradually剥离 his gender bonus, and he was very uncomfortable in that process. I think men actually have a sense of shame and disgust towards sex. They are afraid to show themselves. 

They use sex as a way to vent, so that they can maintain their inner image. No matter how sad he is, after having sex, he feels that he is still a very good "macho man". For example, for those men who want to have casual sex, the essence is that they are very empty. This emptiness actually stems from their self-loathing. At the same time, they hate women and themselves, so they choose this way. 

6. "Misogyny is manifested in men as contempt for women, and in women as self-loathing." It makes a lot of sense. 

7. "Behind feminism is the idea of listening carefully to everyone and seeing everyone, and this is precisely the unique talent of women, and it may also be the ability developed under the patriarchal society, which is touching." This should be what I wrote at the end when I saw it. 

The criticism of patriarchy makes me think of my own family. Patriarchy does not allow fathers to show their sadness and vulnerability. Although my mother is the stronger one in the family, she also forces herself to assume the image of a father. She is obviously a woman, but she also uses these rules of men to require and restrain herself. 

In conclusion, I think the feminism mentioned by Ueno Chizuko is that everyone is seen. Later, I also read "The Decline of Males" by Zimbardo, which mainly talks about the violence that men suffer in gender discrimination. And "The Second Sex", I haven't finished reading this book yet, and