Ambiguous but not establishing a relationship, young girls are trapped in situationships.

Starting from Sex

A guy over 180 cm tall, wearing a black shirt and black culottes, with his shoulder-length hair tied into a ponytail, strolled towards the iron gate.

From afar, 21-year-old Xiaoshu "knew it was him" as soon as she saw the tall and lanky figure. She had matched with the guy on Tinder and they had been chatting for nearly two months. Xiaoshu had seen his profile pictures on the app - he was exactly her ideal type, and there was nothing off-putting in his bio. He had gone to school in the US since junior high, and his privileged family background made Xiaoshu feel they were not a good match. Nevertheless, she still wanted to meet him out of a "star-chasing" mentality because "I've never seen such a handsome guy in real life."

But when she saw him in person, she felt a bit shy. Subconsciously, she was afraid he would dislike her appearance, so she hid in the shadow of the subway entrance, hoping to delay facing him for even a second. However, the guy behaved as usual. On their first date, they went to a bar to chat, and an hour and a half later, they moved to a KTV to sing.

With the influence of alcohol and music, the distance between them was unconsciously shortened, followed by a kiss, and then they went to a hotel... Everything happened within four hours. "It was like fate, everything just happened naturally," Xiaoshu said.

This was Xiaoshu's first situationship.

In the Oxford English Dictionary, the official definition of "situationship" is - "a relationship that lacks a clear label or commitment but involves a certain degree of emotional and/or sexual intimacy." By this definition, their relationship fit perfectly.

For Xiaoshu, who had little dating experience, the rapid progression of their relationship after the first meeting was even beyond her own imagination.

The guy had a delicate and gentle charm that made Xiaoshu feel at ease and let down her guard. "Unlike being with other guys, I didn't feel awkward at all when I was with him. I inexplicably felt a sense of security and relaxation," Xiaoshu said. So that night, she couldn't help but want to talk about "those messy things" in her family, as if she had completely trusted him. "I thought he also developed a sense of protectiveness towards me at that time. I believed he must like me," she added.

As the term "situationship" made its way to China from overseas, more and more young people in China have started to accept and practice this new type of emotional relationship. In particular, more and more girls are actively choosing not to date but to have a situationship instead. Searching for "situationship" on social media, many girls have recorded their situationship experiences and thoughts.

However, when it comes to the specific definition and manifestation of this relationship, it's hard for people to reach an agreement. The most crucial thing is that this relationship is very much like a glorified version of "casual sex." Even Xiaoshu herself thought so.

32-year-old San'er was more straightforward. She initially pursued this relationship for the physical aspect strongly associated with situationship.

San'er started this new type of relationship in May this year. But until the guy clearly defined their relationship as a situationship, she still thought they were just "friends with benefits." They would meet every weekend for sex, and this "weekend relationship" lasted for seven times.

Image source: Screenshot from He's Just Not That Into You

But San'er also felt there was something more than just a friends-with-benefits relationship. Besides the sexual relationship, they would also work out together, buy groceries, cook, take walks, go shopping, discuss movies or social topics they were interested in, and provide each other with companionship. She found that besides the physical desire, she also had an emotional attachment to him. And this way of getting along also perfectly matched San'er's ideal way of being with a partner.

So among young people in China, "situationship" has become a general term for various "informal relationships," a vague state that is more than just friends with benefits but less than a romantic relationship.

The Game of Turning It into a Relationship

In the dating culture overseas, situationship is usually the initial stage. Theoretically, during this period, it is completely reasonable for both men and women to date multiple people and have sexual relationships. Only when the relationship develops into a "relationship" - that is, when they start dating - do both parties enter the stage of an exclusive one-on-one relationship.

In other words, a person can maintain one or more ambiguous relationships while still being single.

The Tinder 2022 Annual Report shows that the proportion of members who filled in "single" in their profiles increased by 49%. This shows the advantage of situationship: one can enjoy the care from one or more opposite-sex partners while still presenting as single. Many young people are in a "Schrödinger's single" state, and they also say they prefer situationship because this kind of relationship brings less pressure and is an "effective relationship."

Image source: Xiaohongshu @8 4 15 

The disadvantages are also obvious -

When both men and women are content with this "boiling frog in warm water" state, they can enjoy the tenderness of an intimate relationship without fulfilling the necessary commitments.

However, most people are not on an equal footing in this relationship. Those girls who actively choose situationship don't seem as carefree as they appear. In fact, more and more girls are trapped in situationships.

After more than two months of being just "friends with benefits," San'er became the one who actively ended the relationship in August 2025. She sent a message to the guy: "The past time was wonderful, but I really don't have the time and energy to maintain a relationship now. I wish you all the best in the future."

Although she initiated the breakup, the reason was that she found herself getting more and more deeply involved. Although she was enjoying the companionship, she felt more and more pain in her heart.

They started as "friends with benefits," and at the beginning, they made it clear that they would also meet other people. However, after San'er developed an emotional dependence on the guy, she became more and more intolerant of this precondition. Gradually, the dopamine feedback from those sweet moments was no longer able to offset the pain caused by his being aloof and unpredictable.

At first, San'er didn't care whether the guy replied to her messages. Later, "as soon as he didn't reply to me, I thought he might be developing a relationship with someone else." She realized that she had become exclusive in this relationship. "Since this relationship can't go any further, I shouldn't let it continue to disrupt my energy," San'er said. She sent the breakup notice, and soon, the guy replied that he accepted the breakup and also wished her all the best. Then San'er deleted his contact information.

A situationship really tests both parties' ability to control their emotions. Especially for girls, when a physical intimate relationship occurs, there are too few people who can separate sex from love, and it always seems more painful for them to withdraw from the relationship.

26-year-old CC, who had just ended a four-month situationship, was also deeply affected.

She met the guy on a social app. After chatting for about a month, they had a relationship. After that, CC's dependence on the guy grew stronger and stronger. "It's the influence of hormones," she thought. Subconsciously, she had already regarded him as her boyfriend, but on the other hand, the guy's attitude towards CC took a sharp turn. He stopped replying to her messages and it was difficult to make an appointment to meet. CC also asked the guy why his attitude had changed so much, but he replied, 'You're overthinking. I've always been the same.'

Image source: Screenshot from He's Just Not That Into You

During that period, CC's self - consuming thoughts had affected her normal work and life. She decided to "put an end to this" and specifically invited the guy out on a weekend. She asked him: "What exactly is our relationship?" The guy replied: "We're good friends + having an intimate relationship." CC asked to turn their relationship into a romantic one, but the guy flatly refused.

This relationship ended with that conversation. Everything stopped at the guy's last words: "I kind of regret it. I shouldn't have started this in the first place."

In essence, a situationship is a game of power between men and women. The one who has the idea of "turning it into a relationship" has already lost.

A "By - product" of Late Marriage

This unclear dynamic balance emerged based on the new - generation needs of young urban men and women.

As Shen Yifei, an associate professor in the Department of Sociology at Fudan University, said in The Sociology of Love Thinking Course, as young people become more economically and personally independent, they are reluctant to be tied down by marriage too early and get involved in complex and trivial matters such as houses, cars, and children. Facing the uncertainty of human nature and the panic about role changes after marriage, many people develop "commitment phobia" and are unwilling to use a romantic relationship to tie down an unknown future.

Being in a romantic relationship means that both parties have to make commitments to each other, take responsibilities, and may eventually get married. But in a situationship, one only needs to enjoy the present moment. Even if it's a "toxic" kind of sweetness, it has become the top choice for young people.

26 - year - old Xiaomai, a designer, has gotten used to using situationship as a shield against marriage.

Her situationship has lasted for nearly three years. They have never established a romantic relationship, but they have never stopped contacting each other.

In Xiaomai's view, the guy is "very nice and sunny," unlike those empty - headed guys she used to meet who "talked a lot about art." During the pandemic, he actively gave her the antigen tests he had saved, and bought her small cakes when she was sick. They maintained a stable connection and cared for and supported each other. However, the guy is five years older than her and has reached the age where his family is urging him to get married. "He thinks that as long as he's in a relationship, it must be for the purpose of getting married. He made it clear to me," she said.

For Xiaomai, whose career has just started to take off, marriage is still a long - way off. Moreover, if she evaluated him as a potential marriage partner, the many small flaws would quickly overshadow the advantages she used to see in him, from his messy living place to his lack of planning during trips... All the sweet memories turned into pressure. Once, the guy told Xiaomai that his second aunt called to urge him to get married, saying that "if he's older, the baby will be as small as a mouse (malnourished)." This added more pressure to Xiaomai.

Therefore, keeping this relationship in an "unofficial" state makes her feel more secure and won't give the guy unnecessary illusions.

Image source: Screenshot from Everything About Dating

In fact, late marriage has become a trend among young people in East Asia. Taking South Korea as an example, according to the data from the South Korean Statistics Bureau, the average age of first marriage for South Korean women exceeded 30 in 2016, and in 2022, the age group of 30 - 34 became the main age group for first marriage. The same is true in China. The average age of first marriage for young people is gradually increasing, and the average age of first marriage in first - tier cities such as Beijing, Shanghai, Guangzhou, and Shenzhen has also reached over 30. As Xiaomai said, "I haven't had enough fun yet. There's no rush."

Once she also asked the guy, "What kind of relationship are we?" He replied, "Aren't we a pair?" After thinking about it, she felt that having a regular partner and having a good time together was not bad. "At least before I want to get married, using this informal way of getting along as a transition is quite good," she added.

An Almost - Relationship

Like Xiaomai, there are indeed only a few girls who don't get consumed by situationships.

After being rejected when trying to turn the situationship into a relationship, CC began to reflect on their relationship after calming down.

Immediately, many reasons came to her mind, and the most important one was that they wouldn't live in the same city in the future, and she definitely couldn't accept a long - distance relationship. Thinking of this, CC suddenly realized that her "game of turning it into a relationship" was meaningless. The same was true from the guy's perspective.

Especially for these young people with high mobility in first - tier cities, since their own futures are full of uncertainties, it's even more difficult for them to establish a long - term formal intimate relationship with others.

In San'er's view, the pain caused by this unclear relationship far outweighs the pleasure. During this three - month informal relationship, she had already spent too much energy. "I'd rather have a proper relationship," she said. Finally, she re - connected with her situationship partner and established a formal romantic relationship. She also said that she would never try a situationship again.

After all, the transitional state is just a last resort, and desserts can't replace a proper meal. The reason for choosing a situationship is that it's too difficult to have a formal relationship.

In first - tier cities, the general situation is that there are more women than men in the marriage market. According to the statistics from the Southwest Lily Data Center, in the blind - date market in first - tier cities in 2024, the gender ratio was seriously imbalanced. In the most extreme case in Chengdu, the ratio of men to women even reached 1:43.

Most of the time, suitable guys are often "snapped up" by others, and the guys who catch one's eye are often reluctant to establish a romantic relationship. After all, "they haven't had enough fun yet" and don't want to be troubled by buying a car, a house, or paying a bride price. As a