After being a stay-at-home dad for two years: How did I turn into a complaining person?

After being a full-time stay-at-home dad for over a year, Wang Min, a post-90s dad, suffered from depression. 

Since last summer, he often suffered from insomnia and waking up at night. He lost nearly 30 catties rapidly and cried easily. His state was very poor. When his daughter Molly was hard to comfort, he even had the impulse to beat the child. 

He never thought that raising children could be so trivial. His daughter was born in May 2023. His experience as a full-time stay-at-home dad is almost a gender-reversed version of the "motherhood penalty": all his time was occupied by the child. He was on the verge of collapse while comforting the baby, developed tenosynovitis from holding the child, and was busy with various baby - caring tasks such as washing bottles, changing diapers, lulling the baby to sleep, and taking the baby out for a walk every day. 

In addition to physical exhaustion, he also endured great psychological pressure. Before he chose to become a full-time stay-at-home dad, he was a middle - level manager in a company, earning 20,000 yuan a month, living a typical middle - class life in a third - tier city. However, after becoming a full - time stay - at - home dad, his income dropped sharply, he had no social life, and was trapped in endless trivial matters every day, which often made him feel a lack of self - worth. 

After two years of being a full - time stay - at - home dad, he changed from a trendy young man who loved to dress up and have fun with dreadlocks to a full - time dad whose world only had the baby. He said that he had completely lost himself.

Being a full - time stay - at - home dad not only made him neglect himself but also his partner. Wang Min and his wife often quarreled over baby - caring trivialities. In October last year, they decided to divorce. 

In fact, he is not the only one who suffers from depression due to taking care of the baby. Around us, more and more full - time stay - at - home dads have emerged, and more and more men are willing to be full - time stay - at - home dads. According to the research data of Liepin's "Insight Report on the Marriage and Parenthood Status of Workplace People" in 2022, 46.13% of people said they were willing to be "full - time stay - at - home dads/moms", among which 37.76% of men said they were willing to be full - time stay - at - home dads. 

Wang Min also found that there is a lot of information asymmetry between men and women in parenting. In his impression, even in the eyes of his father's generation, children always grew up effortlessly. Sometimes, a "father" only needed to show his authority and generosity in front of the child at the right time and never got involved in the trivial matters of raising the child. It was not until he became a full - time stay - at - home dad that he realized that behind the "peaceful years" men faced in parenting, it was women who were struggling to heal themselves.

Japanese scholar Yoko Tajima said in "Domination in the Name of Love": As long as women are trapped in "maternity", they will never be free. This motherhood penalty actually also applies to full - time stay - at - home dads. When more and more men start to try being full - time stay - at - home dads, they also face similar parenting dilemmas as women. 

Before Father's Day, the Wave Institute had a chat with Wang Min about what it's like to be a full - time stay - at - home dad. The following is Wang Min's account as a full - time stay - at - home dad, published after being sorted out by the Wave Institute: 

Taking care of the baby full - time is harder than making money

Our daughter Molly was born in May 2023. At the beginning, it was quite pleasant for my wife and me to take care of the baby together. Since Molly was born, she has been fed with breast milk and formula. When my wife was on maternity leave, to let her have a whole night's sleep as much as possible, she would pump the breast milk out with a breast pump, and I would heat it for the baby. Moreover, since I was not working, I didn't have the pressure of work, so it was okay for me. 

However, my wife went back to work three or four months after giving birth. She works in the neighboring county, and the round - trip drive takes more than four hours. At first, she would come back as often as possible, but sometimes she couldn't come back because of overtime work. 

Neither of our parents could help us take care of the baby. At first, we thought about hiring a nanny, but we needed someone to watch over the nanny at home to feel at ease. I used to work in sales in the pet industry, and my wife works in the public sector. Considering the stability of our jobs, I decided to quit my job and take care of the baby. Besides, I really love my daughter, so I quit my job and became a full - time stay - at - home dad. 

I had never taken a break in nearly ten years of work. Now I could stay at home with the baby. I felt that life without going to work was really comfortable.

It was quite easy to take care of the baby at the beginning. The baby was only a few months old, basically sleeping after eating and eating after sleeping, sleeping for two or three hours at a time. Occasionally, when she woke up, I would take her out for a walk, and the day would pass quickly. 

I used to be a person without much patience and unable to do delicate work. Now I can feed the baby and change her clothes. These are all processes of practice making perfect and are relatively not that difficult. What's a bit more difficult are some non - practical things, such as some parenting knowledge, what kind of complementary food the baby should eat at what stage, what to do about intestinal flatulence, how to bathe the baby without getting water in, etc. I need to search for information on various platforms and also need to distinguish whether some things are just a waste of money. So later, I was willing to read professional journal papers on CNKI, VIP, etc. These are things I need to spend time learning. 

There was also a process of exploration in lulling the baby to sleep. When the baby couldn't sleep through the night, I felt tortured, but I could only comfort myself that it might get better when the baby grew up. Later, I gradually found that her poor sleep or waking up as soon as she was put down might be related to some unmet needs. Sometimes she might be a little hungry and just needed that last bit of milk. If you didn't feed her, it wouldn't work. Sometimes it might be because of an upset stomach, and she needed more belly rubs. 

You also have to accurately grasp the timing of dressing and undressing the baby. Especially in summer, when the baby sweats, you have to dry her off immediately and then put on long - sleeved clothes and trousers because the pores are open when sweating, and she is more likely to catch a cold. In winter, when she sweats, you need to reduce the thickness of her clothes to prevent her from being stuffy, which can also easily lead to a cold. Anyway, as long as the baby gets sick, I won't be able to sleep well all night. 

When Molly was one year old, she already weighed eighteen or nineteen catties. I needed to hold and lift her, and I developed tenosynovitis for a while. It was very painful when I exerted force on the area from my wrist to the base of my thumb. 

Wang Min, who developed tenosynovitis from taking care of the baby. @Photo provided by the interviewee

I felt the most tired when Molly was just learning to walk. She slept less during the day. When she was awake, I couldn't play with my phone. I could only take a short break when she was asleep. Just when I wanted to sleep, she woke up. At night, when she was asleep, sometimes I was very sleepy but still didn't want to go to bed. I would stay up until one or two o'clock. As a result, the baby would get up early the next day and wouldn't let me sleep in. Sleeping only a few hours a day, my memory started to decline, and I often forgot where I put things. 

Taking care of a child mainly involves small things like feeding, changing diapers, and playing with the baby. It doesn't sound very tiring, but the key is that each thing is random, and all the behaviors of a child are uncontrollable. When she could roll over, I was afraid she would fall to the ground. When she learned to walk, I was afraid she would bump into something. When she finally learned to run, she would turn the house upside down. As long as she is awake, you have to stay in a highly - alert state. 

After becoming a full - time stay - at - home dad, I realized that taking care of the baby is not like working. Work gives you feedback, while taking care of the baby is just repeating things without a clear result. The baby is your boss. Don't even think about taking a break during your "working hours". You have to take the baby with you even when you go to the toilet. Even at 3 am, your boss will wake you up to work.

Now I really understand full - time stay - at - home moms. Taking care of the baby is much more difficult than making money. 

How did I become a complainer?

There is a big contrast between me before and me now taking care of the baby. After becoming a full - time stay - at - home dad, I started to become stingy. 

I used to earn more than 200,000 yuan a year when I was working. Although I didn't spend money recklessly, I basically didn't hesitate when buying things. I used to be a person who paid a lot of attention to my image and loved to dress up. I had tattoos and piercings and kept long hair in dreadlocks. Now I can only live off my savings every month, or make money by stock trading and doing self - media, earning three or four thousand yuan a month, which can only maintain my life. After becoming a full - time stay - at - home dad, I haven't bought new clothes for almost a year. Now the clothes I wear when taking care of the baby are still the work uniforms with our company logo that the company used to issue because the baby grabs them everywhere.

Gradually, I found that taking care of the baby full - time means completely losing yourself. When I was working, I was a middle - level manager in a company. There were some business entertainments and trainings at work, and I felt that I had some social value. I would also go out drinking and playing games with friends. 

Now I often feel lonely and have a sense of social disconnection. I envy my wife for being able to go out to work. At least work doesn't trap people, but the family and the child will trap you there. Your time is all occupied by the child, and you don't have any space for yourself. Seeing my wife go to work and have a social life, sometimes I feel extremely unbalanced. When she comes home and shares some happy things with me, I would retort rudely. 

I was thinking, how did I become a complainer?

My wife comes back at most six times a month. I think she says she misses the baby, but she is not very active in action. Sometimes she only has a video call with the baby once every two or three days. We mainly communicate through WeChat messages. 

Actually, she doesn't really understand me in the process of me taking care of the baby. She doesn't think taking care of the baby is that hard. I can feel from her words and actions that she thinks taking care of the baby is a very easy thing. Sometimes when she comes back and sees the moldy dishes in the kitchen, she will nag at me for not washing the dishes. But I don't have enough energy to take care of the baby alone, so I would pile up the dishes and wash them together. For example, some of the baby's clothes don't need to be washed so often, but she wishes to wash them every day. 

Wang Min's daughter Molly. @Photo provided by the interviewee

The fact that the baby was hospitalized for pneumonia during the National Day holiday last year was actually a fuse for our divorce. The baby was hospitalized for five days, and there were still two days left in the holiday after she was discharged from the hospital. I said that our family should go out for a trip, but she had to work overtime. I was very angry because I also wanted someone to accompany me. The way we communicated was not very good, and we had a big fight because of this. After the National Day, we started the divorce cooling - off period. 

I probably proposed the divorce first. Objectively speaking, the reason why my wife and I divorced is that both of us have our own desires. I want my partner to provide emotional support, but she may also need me to provide emotional support. But I'm so tired taking care of the baby. Sometimes I'm a bit overbearing and complain a few words. You just need to listen, but she won't. So we often clash with each other. I thought that being married was no different from being single. Other couples take care of the baby together, but I have to take care of the baby alone and still quarrel with you. I thought it would be better if I were alone.

Sometimes, I would ask myself, what am I doing all this for? Since last summer, I often suffered from insomnia or slept very poorly, waking up seven or eight times a night. I lost nearly 30 catties in two or three months. At that time, I was very irritable. Every two or three days, I would feel very sad and cry. When the baby was hard to comfort, I really wanted to slap her. I felt that I had depression, but I haven't been to the hospital for an examination. It's just my subjective feeling. 

I was in this state for about half a year. I could only endure it by myself and had no one to talk to. Most of my childhood friends around me are single, so I can't communicate with them, and they won't understand even if I tell them. When I take the baby for a walk in the neighborhood, I either meet couples or moms with the elderly. What I talk to them about is basically just some parenting knowledge. I've never had a deep conversation with them. I don't know if it's because I'm a man that they don't talk to me deeply. Only when I go to the playground or the early - education center, the teachers will praise me and say that dads taking care of the baby are great. 

Maybe the only way to relieve stress is to play games. Now I play games alone because no one wants to play with me. I used to play games in a team for three or four hours at a time, but now the game is often interrupted. I don't want to let others down, so I just play by myself. 

Definitely not having a second child

Since we divorced in November last year, we have both reflected on ourselves. 

When we were in love, I had a high emotional quotient and was good at creating romance. I would give her all kinds of surprises and the proposal was also a surprise arranged in the cinema with a private screening. My wife's fantasy of marriage was like the story of "a domineering CEO falls in love with me", but it's very different from the real marriage