Young people are starting a brand - new type of “marriage” by only holding a wedding without getting a marriage certificate.

 

Just Have a Wedding, Don't Get Married Legally

After a nine - year relationship, 29 - year - old Li Qing and her boyfriend have had numerous discussions about whether to get married and have children.

The first time was in 2019, the fourth year of their relationship. Her boyfriend's family decided to buy an apartment for them. However, due to her boyfriend's poor credit record, the apartment was registered under Li Qing's name. Li Qing was worried that if they didn't get married, "things would turn ugly." She confessed to her boyfriend that she had no intention of having children. "If you can't firmly say that you don't want children, we should cut our losses and break up now. You can find someone who shares your views." Her boyfriend also said he didn't plan to have children. They signed an agreement on how to handle the apartment if they broke up before getting married.

The second time was in 2021 when her boyfriend proposed to Li Qing. She was touched but said she didn't want to get legally married.

"Why?" her boyfriend asked, puzzled.

"Because the sense of security you give me isn't enough for me to feel confident about getting legally married to you," Li Qing replied bluntly.

Li Qing has always had a fear of traditional marriage.

She remembered that during the Spring Festival when she was a child, relatives would say, "You can't even make dumplings. What will you do when you get married? Your mother - in - law will definitely dislike you." Later, during college, when she first met her boyfriend's parents, she was asked, "Can you cook?" Li Qing felt that once she entered marriage, she would have to do housework, cook, and have children. Moreover, after getting legally married, her in - laws would interfere more. In recent years, news about "being unable to get a divorce due to domestic violence" made Li Qing feel that she couldn't easily "entrust her life to a family and her partner."

Although her boyfriend had always been kind to her and claimed that "he wasn't that kind of person," Li Qing was worried that he might change in the future. She emphasized again, "I won't get legally married." Moreover, they had no plan to have children. "Then why do we have to get this marriage certificate? What's its purpose?" Her boyfriend seemed convinced. "If you don't want to, then don't."

But it wasn't easy to convince their parents. Her boyfriend was four years older than her, and his family was anxious that they still hadn't gotten legally married. Li Qing's father also couldn't accept that his daughter hadn't married and had no children. He pressured her to have a wedding soon. To give an explanation to both parents, "As long as I can have a wedding I like, I can accept it." Last October, Li Qing and her boyfriend had a wedding without getting legally married.

Li Qing's wedding scene

Li Qing didn't want people to regard it as a real wedding. Eventually, she chose a setting of an animated IP that was least associated with a wedding. She wore a Lolita dress instead of a wedding dress, and the host's blessing was, "I wish the two of you get rich soon." Li Qing preferred to call it a "party" rather than a wedding. "I just need a ceremony. It can be any kind of ceremony, a wedding or an anniversary celebration."

There are many young people like Li Qing who have a wedding but don't get legally married. On social media, there were more than 4,000 comments under a post about young people starting to have weddings without getting legally married. Many people said they only had a wedding but didn't get legally married. Some even had children without the intention of getting legally married. 29 - year - old Qiu Rui is one of them.

In September 2022, under pressure from their parents, Qiu Rui and her boyfriend had two weddings in their hometowns respectively. The weddings were grand, with 40 - 50 tables of guests entertained at local high - end hotels, following relatively high - standard local customs. Just the wedding in Qiu Rui's hometown cost 400,000 yuan.

Before that, Qiu Rui and her boyfriend had been in a relationship for four years. Their families thought it was time for them to get married. Her soon - to - retire parents were worried that if Qiu Rui didn't get married soon, "no one would come to the wedding after they retired." They asked Qiu Rui to get married before their retirement no matter what.

But Qiu Rui never had the idea of getting married.

Watching her father abuse her mother when he was in a bad mood since childhood made Qiu Rui pessimistic about marriage. Subconsciously, she thought that getting married meant being controlled by another person and "didn't trust men's role in marriage very much." However, Qiu Rui didn't dare to oppose her parents because her parents bought her house and car. "I can't be the kind of person who depends on you but doesn't listen to you." Moreover, based on past experience, even if she opposed, she would end up following her parents' wishes.

Qiu Rui was in a dilemma. "As long as there is something I want from this person (her boyfriend)," Qiu Rui thought she could force herself to get married according to her parents' wishes. But she thought the right time to get legally married would be when she was 30, with a stable job and everything on track. However, her parents offered an incentive, saying that Qiu Rui didn't need to pay for the wedding.

After much thought, Qiu Rui decided to have a wedding first to meet her parents' demands and postpone getting legally married. "It's just a wedding. No one is forcing me to get legally married. After the wedding, my dad won't interfere with me anymore." Her boyfriend didn't object. On one hand, Qiu Rui was dominant in the relationship. On the other hand, her boyfriend thought getting legally married was just a matter of time. "It doesn't matter if we don't get legally married. We can just tell our parents that we did."

So, Qiu Rui and her boyfriend started preparing for the wedding. Their parents met, they got engaged, chose a date, and booked a hotel step by step.

Qiu Rui and her boyfriend on their wedding day

On the wedding day, everything went as usual. Except for Qiu Rui, her boyfriend, and her parents, almost no one at the wedding knew they weren't legally married. Even those who knew thought they would get legally married soon. Even Qiu Rui thought so at that time.

"What can you offer to attract me to get legally married to you?"

Qiu Rui and her boyfriend met through a blind date. Her boyfriend had good conditions: a postgraduate degree, a high income, a good temper, and a nice family atmosphere. But his family was relatively poor. So, at first, Qiu Rui wasn't completely against getting legally married and thought it was "optional."

But after the wedding and entering married life, Qiu Rui found some flaws in her boyfriend.

Since childhood, her parents had been cultivating Qiu Rui's awareness of doing housework. Whenever she went home, she had to do her own laundry. If her mother cooked, Qiu Rui had to wash the dishes. Her mother always taught her, "To have a place in the family, you must do something to contribute." But her boyfriend didn't have such an idea. So now, Qiu Rui had to tell her boyfriend to sweep the floor, do the laundry, and change the bed sheets before going to work every day. Although her boyfriend would agree, he always postponed it for two days and did it carelessly.

Sometimes, her boyfriend's father would call and ask Qiu Rui to stop her boyfriend from playing games. Qiu Rui was reluctant. "Why should I control you? We are both adults. Can't you control yourself? It's like I've found a son."

The last straw was that her boyfriend quit his job without telling Qiu Rui at the end of last year and still hadn't found a new job. The burden of supporting the family fell entirely on Qiu Rui. She felt that her boyfriend's advantages were gone.

Over the years, her boyfriend had proposed getting legally married to Qiu Rui at least five times. When in a good mood, Qiu Rui would jokingly agree, but most of the time, she either ignored it or changed the topic. But when her boyfriend proposed again this year, Qiu Rui directly said, "Your income wasn't much higher than mine before, and your family background wasn't as good as mine. There was no need for me to get legally married to you then. Now that you're unemployed and your income is lower than mine, what can you offer to attract me to get legally married to you?"

A still from Pink Ladies, source: Internet

More and more women are realizing the nature of marriage and pursuing equality in marriage. They no longer think the marriage certificate is a tool to protect themselves. Instead, it may bring trouble.

Chen Xijun, 32 years old and about to have a wedding, also discussed with her boyfriend of nearly four years not to get legally married first.

Chen Xijun is a few years older than her boyfriend and has a higher income. Her boyfriend's family is in a poor financial situation. His mother has a chronic infectious disease and needs to take medicine all the time, but their medical insurance coverage is low, so they have a big financial burden. Chen Xijun is worried that she will have to share this burden after getting married, while her own parents don't put any pressure on her for old - age support.

There is also a cognitive difference with her boyfriend's parents. When she first visited her boyfriend's home, Chen Xijun found that his father didn't even look up when talking and was very aloof. She guessed it might be his personal habit but still felt the gap between them. Another time, her boyfriend, maybe following his mother's instructions, tentatively asked if they could have a child before getting married, saying it was the local custom. Chen Xijun was furious.

In 2024, in the third year of their relationship, Chen Xijun's parents thought she was old enough and forced her to "either get married or break up." Chen Xijun didn't want to change her partner, so she decided to "have a wedding to appease her family."

But during the Spring Festival last year, one day before the engagement, after her best friend learned about her boyfriend's family situation, she sent at least 100 messages to persuade Chen Xijun, telling her "not to marry into a poor family." She said the boyfriend's family was poor and had a sick member, probably without much medical insurance. She also said that her boyfriend might be interested in Chen Xijun because of her good conditions. Her best friend persuaded her until 3 a.m., and Chen Xijun was indecisive after hearing her friend's sharp words.

The next day, Chen Xijun postponed the engagement and told her boyfriend, "I haven't made up my mind yet (about getting married)." But she couldn't bear to break up because her boyfriend was a nice person and had always been good to her.

A photo of Chen Xijun taken by her boyfriend during a trip

To give an explanation to her parents, Chen Xijun got engaged to her boyfriend last May but agreed to have a wedding without getting legally married. Her boyfriend didn't object, but his family was unhappy.

After all, dating is between two people, while marriage involves two families. When her boyfriend's elder brother learned that they were having a wedding but not getting legally married, he questioned his brother, "What does it mean that you're getting married but not getting legally married?" Her boyfriend used a delaying tactic. "We just won't get legally married before the wedding. We'll do it later."

After the wedding, Qiu Rui's mother would ask her about getting legally married almost every three months.

Because she was worried about her parents' pressure, Qiu Rui didn't tell them about her boyfriend's job - quitting. So her parents couldn't understand why she didn't get legally married or have children. "You both have stable jobs and incomes. I can't find a reason for you not to have children after so long." They also told Qiu Rui, "Your partner may just not know how to persuade you. Even if he doesn't have any thoughts, his parents must have."

Qiu Rui could only make excuses each time because she had decided never to get legally married.

It's good to be in a relationship forever

Qiu Rui's friend once told her that getting married requires a sense of impulse. But after the wedding, Qiu Rui found that her impulse was fading. So when her boyfriend proposed getting legally married for the last time, Qiu Rui directly said, "You don't give me the impulse to be with you now, and you can't offer any conditions to attract me to get legally married to you."

But she also knew that if she kept delaying getting legally married, her boyfriend might break up with her. Hoping that "maybe her boyfriend would find a job if she waited," and not wanting to be the first among her peers to get divorced - after all, they had a public wedding and everyone thought they were married - Qiu Rui tried to negotiate with her boyfriend.

Before the wedding, when her boyfriend still had a job, they had discussed that the first child would take her boyfriend's surname and the second would take Qiu Rui's. Her boyfriend agreed, saying, "My mother can understand, and my father won't care about these things."

But now, due to the unbalanced financial situation, Qiu Rui cared more about the child's surname. She became greedy and thought the first child should take her surname. "I may not have many advantages, not be very rich or earn a lot, but I have no obvious flaws. But you're unemployed now, which is a big flaw." Qiu Rui wanted her boyfriend to agree to the first child taking her surname to attract her to get legally married. In exchange, she said she could return the betrothal gifts. Her boyfriend disagreed, saying it would be hard for him to explain to his family.

They parted on bad terms, and Qiu Rui decided to keep delaying. She was even willing to never get legally married. If she got pregnant, the child would